WHaaaat?!
Yes, actually.
Let’s break it down.
Daughters have been made a berry-red shade of embarrassed by their mothers for ever, right? For recorded parenting history.
So much that it’s become ‘normal’ and expected. One of the things you’re warned of when it comes to raising a teen girl.
“Oh, is she embarrassed by you? Oh, are you now “DORK MOM”?
She must be a teen. Ah, well.”
Today, on the blog we’re diving into the line between embarrassment and rudeness, and why her newfound spasms of independence in public can be a good sign. Really? Yes.
Click the video below to watch.
Even if your daughter isn’t showing any signs of mortification in your presence? This one is still for you mama — the more we get the cultural phenomenon, and what, unfortunately, may be normal with friends, at school, or online in the mother-daughter relationship, the better equipped we are to handle it all. Knowledge truly is power.
Once you’ve gotten a chance to check out the video, leave a comment below — because collective wisdom rocks, and we want to hear your take. We need each other, mama.
Great! Right on track, so true. Presently in excellent form\thank you
Thank you Darlene! Love hearing from you.
Love your videos and updated platform. I think about my
mom who may have felt alone at times. Feeling grateful that you are working to build the tribe of mamas so we can reach out so easily to one another whenever we need. Regarding the above video on embarrassment, I think the pause is crucial! That is what I am working on. You can always go back and reframe later but if you try in the moment it usually does not come out right. I love and believe that the teens crave boundaries and are carefully watching so yes, we must hold proud and strong– they will take that with them. They need not worry about our emotional baggage or they won’t have room to work on what they need to work on. Thank you for doing what you do!
Thank you Nicole. Love hearing from you and that you want to be in touch and be part of the tribe. We can’t do this alone! I think my mom may have felt alone at times too. And yes, the pause is so crucial! Love hearing that you are working on it. We can always go back and reframe when we have perspective and confidence. Hooray for your mothering wisdom!
I love how much you focus on motherly intuition. Also I love what you both said about working hard at not taking what your daughter says personally. This really resonated…thinking about how the mother is then, as a result, emanating confidence as a mother, setting boundaries and providing love and containment for the child. Like you guys said, we are modeling for our child and these are life lessons that they internalize. Thank you thank you for the support! And can’t wait for more.
Hey Morgan! Love hearing from you! You might be interested in reading my chapter on Containing on the Mothering side of our book. I start from the beginning (actually the uterine container) so I think since this resonated in the video you might really enjoy reading it. LOVE that you are part of our tribe and taking in the support. xoxo
Love the tips on discussing public embarrassment at an appropriate time and the reminders to not take things personally! I struggle with both, and I am feeling spread too thin, tired, and overwhelmed with unfinished tasks recently, so I find myself overreacting to the eye rolls, sighs, and tone of voice that are actually quite rare but hurtful nonetheless. We have such different personalities and triggers, so I am trying to make this a learning experience for us both and your videos are helping me a great deal. Thank you!
Hi Laura! Gosh, you are not alone if you are feeling spread too thin, tired and overwhelmed. Welcome to our tribe! So grateful you found us. Have you read our book? It is not a long read and Eliza’s and my reason for writing it was to help moms feel more focused and invigorated on the mothering path. Sending love.
Thank you for this and all that you do!! I am gradually making my way through all of the wisdom of the course but realized I had this video bookmarked to watch…it is painful for to see my daughter’s embarrassment because I interpret it almost as a sign of disrespect, mostly because she and I are so different and she connects more deeply and has a personality more similar to my husband. They value hard work, contained emotion, seriousness, powering through things, organization, planning, practicality, details, and earning and saving money. I am the epitome of fun, emotion, playfulness, spontaneity, rest, following my heart, faith, joy, spending and not tracking money as almost a defiance against limits and structure, and being in the moment. I am also a former teacher who has two small businesses from home that I keep quite separate from the kiddos when I can, but I note that she is rather put off by my not working in a traditional job as I take care of her and her two brothers and make sure I am running everything behind the scenes. I think her embarrassment or desire to have me separate from her life triggers my own insecurities: my desire to be liked, my need to be loved and respected, and my dream of her actually wanting to connect with me. I am fully aware that this is all perfectly normal and am grateful that she and my husband are so connected in their own way, but it’s a challenge to my tender heart nonetheless. Thank you for addressing all of these moments and normalities of motherhood and giving me space to just be and to know I am not alone! 🙂
Laura, I am so incredibly impressed by your insights here. Good for you for watching this along with The Mothering Course! Yay! I daughters are really secretly dying for us to not crumble under their criticisms/judgements (even though they may not be conscious of this!)
It is a challenge to our tender hearts and I am so glad that you know you are not alone. So glad you are part of the tribe! You got this! Stay your beautiful, expressed and fun-loving self… your daughter is depending on you on being proud of who YOU are. Love, Sil
This is the first video I’ve watched! My schedule is so hectic and I keep waiting for time … and yet when I saw this title, I jumped right in! My daughter is 10, so I’m taking this course to prep for what is ahead. The main thing that jumped out at me from this video is what Eliza said about “it doesn’t feel good to hurt the ones you love, and your daughter wants you to set the boundary.” Ding, ding, my own past came rushing back. I was embarrassed by my mom back then, and I knew that was “normal.” Yet I think I dipped into meanness or disrespect sometimes and knew I was doing it … but didn’t stop. And she didn’t call me out consistently, or at least I don’t recall there being calm, productive conversations that helped shape my future actions with her. It felt like I “got away with it,” despite knowing it hurt her, and I wish so much she would have stepped in more, and called me out lovingly but firmly.
I will be mindful of this separation with my own daughter — understanding her embarrassment and not taking it personally (and being confident in my own skin), yet addressing when it crosses a line.
Thank you!!
Dear Holly, Eliza and I love hearing how you took time out of your hectic schedule to watch the video! Yay! It is so great how you are able to look in both directions along your motherline- to your daughter and to your mother. Bringing awareness means you won’t be making the mistakes your mother did. Our daughter’s need us to be help them stay true to their moral compass and we love that you are more determined to be the loving authority in your relationship with her. xo Sil & Eliza