Did you know that mindfulness could make your mothering easier?
Yes, I’m talking:
Less reactions —
(aka, not blowing up at your kid, or taking her grumpiness personally) —
A deeper sense of inner calm and center —
(yup, no matter what happens!) —
Tuning in to your self with comfort and kindness…
(so you can do the same for your kid) —
It’s real magic, whether you come at it from a spiritual perspective, or from the biological perspective of settling your nervous system.
You want some of that?
Oh goody.
My amazing guest today, Bethany Saltman, is the mama of a 12 year old girl, and has been practicing Buddhist meditation for 20 years — not only that but she’s been writing about the combo (like, really good writing)! Two years ago her piece for New York Magazine, on attachment science and attuned parenting, went viral, and she’s currently finishing up a book -a beautiful memoir about healing her motherline- that weaves the wisdom of Buddhism with attachment science research– and we get a preview 😉
Give yourself a few minutes to watch this one. I think it might be the February boost you need.
Click the video below to watch.
https://vimeo.com/254715736/239c9f2daa
Once you’ve gotten a chance to check out the video, leave a comment below.
What is one strategy that you going to put into place this week to be more attuned to yourself and your perceptions and to notice how that affects your attunement to others?
— because collective wisdom rocks,
and we want to hear your take.
We need each other.
Love,
Sil
P.S. Forward this video to a mama wants mindful clarity too. Because sharing is caring, and everyone could use a stronger bond.
Loved this… so helpful to hear another voice supporting me on my mindfulness journey! It’s been more and more challenging to stay mindful and non-reactive as my daughter gets older (almost 15,) and more often “resistant.” Always wondering how to build a consistent practice so that my reactions are minimized and my responses are loving. Hoping to make it to the teenage version of the pre-teen workshop my daughter and I attended at Omega years ago. So glad this popped up in my feed at just the right moment! xoxo
This was great. Thank you. Whereas Bethany came from a Buddhist perspective first and then to attachment, I have been teaching and applying attachment theory for decades and more recently integrating mindfulness into that work, with parents, teachers, and teens and young adults. My greatest teachers have been my children. Our children are a beautiful mirror to our selves and the work of the relationship is the work of our own development. Self-awareness and self-compassion are the necessary first steps toward building a secure attachment with our children.
Dear Sil and Bethany,
I just loved this talk. It meant so much to me. It resonated with everything I believe in as a mother as well as everything I have felt and experienced with my exploration of Buddhism. I really liked the take-away of ‘be kind to yourself as a mom’.
xxx
Thank you, Bethany, I want to read everything you have written. I peeked at your New York Magazine article and am astonished. I can’t wait to finish reading it. My almost fifteen year-old daughter and I currently have the very best relationship. I am in love with her and think she is such a neat person. She in turn adores me and tells me almost daily things like “I don’t know what I would do without you.” I think that we have the most remarkable relationship. She is an only child and I give her full access to her dad (we are still married). I think he may spend more time with her than he does with me. My husband constantly praises me and I think that has really helped my daughter to respect me.
I had the interesting situation of returning to work when she was 4 months old. I worked 50 hours a week and was gone from her from 7:30 in the morning until 5:30 at night. We had the most caring and lovely nanny. When my daughter was 14 months old, I quit my job to stay home with her full-time and go back to school at night. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. My daughter and I were really not attached (yet). I felt that I had to ‘reclaim her’. It was so remarkably difficult to take care of a 14-month child that I was not yet attached to after having had someone else take care of her full-time for 10 months. The first day I was ‘off work’ I took her to the park so that she could see the nanny whom she loved. The nanny was not there that day; my daughter was not that interested in me: she wandered around looking everywhere for that missing person. I also had the experience of taking her to a painting class with the nanny and the nanny’s wards. My daughter who was painting saw me and was overjoyed with giggles and happiness at my presence (I could tell). But she wasn’t that interested in me; she was more interested in playing with kids and painting. It was as if she didn’t mind either way whether I was there or not. It took awhile – months/years – but we really bonded. My mom says that my daughter did not smile those 10 months when I was at work; she noticed that my daughter started smiling after I started staying home with her. I do not think it is wrong for women to go back to work. I am just mentioned this in response to your New York Magazine article and the personal trauma that I experienced switching from being a new mom, to a working mom, to a stay-at-home mom in that first year of life. The transitions are what is so hard. I can’t wait to read more about your attachment parenting research. I have healed from that time but am astonished with how painful it was. Thank you to both Bethany and Sil for your work.
I loved watching this conversation! One thing I can do this week to be more attuned is to check in with my body whenever I can remember, to see how I might actually be feeling.
I loved how simply and well you describe attunement and the reminder that a “good enough” mother still misattunes half the time! I work w too many self-critical and toxic shaming mothers as a therapist so I can’t wait to share this interview! You really balance out holding ourselves accountable for our own reactivity and parenting our own inner child while staying compassionate w how hard that is to do! Yet, the message is so important that staying in our adult selves is what allows us to more appropriately attune to our children. And then that becomes the new attachment legacy – yay! Looking forward to Bethany’s upcoming book and, as always, grateful to Sil for her wisdom in inviting such amazing guest mamas. I was definitely a head on a stick for most of my life but my parenting (and aging!) has thankfully forced to connect to my body and the intuition I have found there has been life changing. I will continue to work on integrating attuning to myself first, before I respond, especially when I am frustrated or disappointed w my daughter’s behavior. Deep bow.
Caitlin! Thank you for sharing your professional and personal gold. Yay! Love knowing you are watching and part of the M & D tribe! Deep bow back. Love, Sil
Thank you once again Syl. Your interviews are so yummy. It’s good to know we are walking the right path, that we are not alone, to chuck perfect and all the rest.
So grateful! 😘
You are so welcome. I am so grateful that you are part of the M & D tribe! xo