It’s a paradox. How do we stay connected with our teen daughter, and yet give her space?
She blows hot and cold. One moment we’re the dorkiest, weirdest mom on the earth and she’s shying away from us at the grocery store (What? A good dancing song came on!). Later that night she wants to snuggle up after dinner and talk about her friend Marlie (and yes, she wants your advice, but only if given gently… otherwise you know she’s gonna shut down — ‘mom, you just don’t get it’ — and leave the room.) Walking on eggshells much?
Sometimes over here at Mothering & Daughtering we call it ‘mothering as a martial arts dance’ because yes, it’s more like a dance than a set of rules. You learn the steps, you master the art form, and then you improvise to whatever today’s tune is (as played by the ups and down of your teen).
Today we’re talking about how to give her space and yet stay connected at the same time — because that’s the thing: her having more time to herself, and you having more time to yourself doesn’t mean you’re less close as a mother-daughter pair, it can actually mean the opposite.Your preteen or teen daughter needs you more involved, not less, even and especially if she doesn’t have the right words or know to ask for it. Your spaciousness and your closeness can co-exist.
Click the video below to watch.
Once you’ve gotten a chance to check out the video, leave a comment below — because collective wisdom rocks, and we want to hear your take. We need each other, mama.
Love,
Sil & Eliza
A great explication of the “dance” and adding in the martial arts description rang true for me. I found myself nodding along a lot! That recognising and validating my daughter’s need for “space” can actually connect us more feels counter-intuitive, as you say, but I feel it happen. It is exhausting though, this emotional roller-coaster of “she wants to talk to me/she doesn’t want to talk to me” and one minute coming for a hug and the next staying well away or stomping off! Sometimes I feel like a dog toy, you know, one dogs love to push and poke and chew on, but love all at the same time! And I have to keep reminding myself, this is good for her, this is healthy, it will help her grow etc etc. 🙂
Love this Libby! We can really feel like we are on their emotional roller-coaster, can’t we? That is why I like the “dance” metaphor because we can be detached, observant and conscious of their moves- and respond according to our instincts. Now THAT can be grounding! And even invigorating and not exhausting. It takes practice, but sounds as if you are on your way to mastery. Thanks for being part of the Mothering & Daughtering tribe. Love, Sil
I loved your video – it’s just what I’m going through, but my daughter is now 22 ,and her father and I divorced when she was 15.
We were at your workshop at Esalen when she was 16.
She will be graduating college in May, and we planned this wonderful trip to Greece to celebrate – her choice of destination .
She just cancelled with me after being with her father for 3 weeks- I believe a lot has to do with things he had told her ,much of which are not true!
Not only have I lost a lot of money on this trip ,but I lost the Dream of us spending this time together and getting closer.
I have been giving her space- she is away at college- and all we have done is exchanged a few texts since this incident.
I am heartbroken ,and really could use your advice!
I have no family- my daughter is it -and more than anything, I want us to move forward in our relationship and let go of the past.
What to do????
Hi Jackie,
So hard. You are not alone.
Send me an email and we can talk further.
Love, Sil
You guys are awesome! You communicate these issues so well! Thank you!!
Hi Melissa! Thanks so much for your feedback!! We are so thrilled you are part of the Mothering & Daughtering Tribe. xo