Have you had an awkward sex talk with your daughter?
The one where she scrunches up her face and goes “MOM, PLEASE STOP!”
Or the “eww gross, mommy!”
Or the ‘red face and can’t wait to get out of it staring at the ground’ conversation…
Or maybe she had a million and one questions and YOU were the one feeling a bit awkward about it all? Heck… did anyone have this conversation with you when you were a girl?
Or maybe it wasn’t awkward? BLESS YOU! (Bless any mama who has had any talk — no matter how cringeworthy) with her daughter (or son) about healthy sex and sexuality. You’re a rockstar who is changing the world).
Discomfort or not, we believe that having real, loving talks with teen girls about sex, sexuality, sensuality, their body, pleasure, and consent (among other topics) is essential. Frankly, it’s urgent.
It’s when adults leave the room — so to speak — that teen world goes crazy and Lord of Flies can begin. There’s the girl who gets confused, drawn into sexting vulnerable pictures of herself, and then bullied. There’s the way the first peer your daughter ‘hooks up with’ (yes, they may not be ‘dating’ anymore) likely received their sex education from Internet porn — especially if it’s a boy. And we grown women know how that turns out… These are two examples of a world gone mad. Sex confused.
We bring this up not to scare you, but to invite you to join us, lovingly, in getting real together, and asking:
How can we be part of helping our daughters to know their worth, and, from a place of self-love, to choose pleasure and safety when it comes to sex?
Today, on the blog, we’re talking about dealing with discomfort (yours and yours daughters) when it comes to talking about sex, and why getting real is so essential, the sooner the better. Together, we got this one, mama.
Click the video below to watch.
Even if your daughter is younger, or your daughter is older, or you’ve got a beautiful open conversation going around sex and sensuality in your house, come check it out (and then share your wisdom with us — seriously, we want to hear it ALL!).
Once you’ve gotten a chance to check out the video, we want to know:
Are you able to share with your daughter about sex and sexuality? How are you making sure she gets the information she needs?
Leave us a comment below — because it takes a village of sane mamas and aunties to figure out this whole teen sex thing. We want to hear your take. We need each other, mama.
Amazing work you both do. I love to hear your voice and bring you both into my living room (or office as it might be). Mazel tov on your new endeavor.
I am so incredibly touched by this message.
Miss you! So glad we can stay in touch in these ways.
Would love to know any particular books that have been helpful to you?
Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you…
So here are a few of my favorite books about puberty/periods/changing bodies… not necessarily just about sex. 1. It’s Perfectly Normal:Changing bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health (for ages 10 and up)
2. I really like the American Girl books The Care and Keeping of You. The Body Book for Girls (ages 8-12) and The Body Book for Girls 2 (ages 10-12)
3. My Little Red Book is a great book on first period stories.
4. For older teens I recommend Body Drama: Real Girls, Real Bodies, Real Issues, Real Answers.
For all moms, I recommend reading the books first and determining whether your girl is ready for the book and more importantly, that you have done your research and are ready to talk and answer questions!
Thanks for your question!
Hello – My daughter has crossed a serious boundary and I would love your advice. After discovering my vibrator was missing from my bedside table, I found it in her room. How do I approach this awkward conversation?
Hello Ruth! My first thought is what an amazing opportunity to teach your daughter about pleasure without her feeling shame or blame. Something we teach about in Mothering & Daughtering: connect before you direct. So in this case, how would it feel to first connect about the possibility that she has used your vibrator and is learning about her sexual pleasure. This is separate from the boundary issue, which you must also discuss with her but I am suggesting that you connect first and initiate her into the reality that women can have sexual pleasure- self-pleasure in this case- without shame. If you mix it in with the boundary issue, she might end up connecting the two and feel shame that she took your intimate device out of your room and (maybe) used it. If you can possibly not react, and literally tell her you found your vibrator in her room and then gently ask her what her experience was like… then in another conversation you can talk about boundaries and hygiene and how she might get a vibrator of her own and how to use it. Or learn to self-pleasure without a vibrator… these are often awkward conversations, because most of us did not have them with our mothers, so we are learning as we go. Best that she learn from you about sexual pleasure and boundaries, or a women’s health provider and/or a good book that you recommend, than from her peers or get inaccurate information on the Internet. Your thoughts about my ideas?
Thank you so much for your guidance. I did not realize that you had responded until today when I went back into the website to review the page after my daughter took my vibrator again. I did not deal with it the first time but will discuss it with her now separating sexual pleasure and the boundary issue. Do you recommend that I get her one of her own? It does not feel comfortable for me but some have suggested that as a solution. She is 15 and cannot legally purchase one where we live.
You are welcome Ruth. Glad to know that you are intending to talk this through with your daughter. It is a teaching moment about boundaries and ,yes, sexual pleasure. Gosh, I can’t recommend either way about you buying her a vibrator- but I sure have confidence that you can figure out what to do as you honestly discuss this with her. Well done.