One of top 2-3 questions I get.
Not kidding.
“What do I do with this phone of hers?”
I’ll be brief today. In the U.S. it’s a holiday weekend (hence also not sending our regular We Thrive TV email on yesterday’s holiday Thursday!).
BUT, what more perfect time to talk about tech, boundaries and your daughter — than a time of potential family intimacy, and bonding?
You struggling with this one a bit?
PHONES.
APPS.
SCREENS.
A mama in our community sent me a question about feeling like she was competing with her daughter’s cell phone for her attention.
Ugh.
You know that one?
We’ve talked a bit about tech here at Mothering & Daughtering —
But I wanted to go deeper.
Enter: Deborah McNamara, the expert.
She’s a developmental psychologist at heart, she’s a remarkable author, and she one of the leaders at my favorite parenting center of ALL time: The Neufeld Institute.
She’s wise, savvy and real. She also knows this one intimately: she’s the mama of a 11 year-old daughter, and a 13 year-old daughter. Wowza!
I couldn’t be more excited to share this one with you!
Click the video below to watch.
Remember, Mama, this is about not letting tech get in the way of a strong bond with our daughter. We’re not making tech the source of all evil either! It’s about getting clear on this big truth: in-person relating is different than texting, and our relational bodies and brain crave the real in-person thing. I’m talking with Deborah about how we actually help our daughters do this.
Every other week, I will still be bringing you a new episode where we answer your burning questions, mama. And I’ll be joined by a crew of amazing mother/daughter guests — and yup, a regular guest will be my badass daughter and former co-host: Eliza.
Once you’ve gotten a chance to check out the video, leave a comment below —
How can you put into action one of Deborah McNamara’s recommendations for her relational approach to raising a daughter in a digital approach?
— because collective wisdom rocks,
and we want to hear your take.
We need each other.
Love,
Sil
P.S. Forward this video to a mama who’s raising her girl in this tech world. Because sharing is caring, and everyone could use a stronger bond.
This interview affirmed for me that I can trust my intuition to know when one of my children is out of balance with technology or anything else and that I have influence and power to guide them through the tough times. The questions I have to ask myself are sometimes developmental, as in, what does my 20 year old son need here, vs. my 15 year old daughter?
Interesting question! It varies kid to kid, their emotional and psychological development. That’s why intuitive parenting is so important. We as parents need to tune into each kid… but at 20 years old, he is away at college making his own decisions, yes? What we do know is limited screen time for everyone decreases the incidence of depression.
Oh my, what a spot-on talk. Thank you so much for both your insights. So much to reflect upon. And also a reassirance of what really matters here: mothering in a loving way doesn’t mean you don’t set boundaries.
Thank you with all of my heart. Love from Catalonia 😘🙏🏻✨
You are so welcome from all my heart! Love, Sil
Great idea to insert yourself in the natural openings!
Yes! Thanks for listening and commenting!
I love the notion of being a gate keeper and also not having to explain our whole parenting agenda to our kids and still maintaining a respectful and open relationship with them. With the best of intentions, we want to educate our kids and be open with them in as many ways as we can. We forget though that this can lead to blurred lines of important, needed and changing roles and actually giving kids too much insight on our own thoughts on parenting, might bring about some anxiety for them. They need to know that we are their rocks, that we have their backs and that doens’t mean explaining everything we do. It means creating a container of trust and safety for them. Thanks Sil and Deborah for your wonderful shared insights.
And thanks so much dear Miriam for your insights!! It is such a relief to remember that we are the adult in the relationship and can set boundaries with love.
Sil, it’s starting to click. While the boundaries around tech are important, cultivating our relationship is the real focus. For us, baking seems to be the natural opening. She measures and stirs and talks, I listen. Thank you for all of this work. I feel like I *finally* have a mothering compass.
Tanya! this is wonderful!! Thank you for sharing your gold. xox Sil
Hello. Watching this video was very insightful. I’m going to try to “insert myself in natural openings”, maybe over dinner. However, I still have the same question of how to set tech boundaries because my relationship with my 11 year old daughter is not good. She doesn’t want to hear me and has become pretty disrespectful when I need to set boundaries or just say anything at all!
Hello Oldalina! Thank you so much for your comment. Love hearing that you are going to try to insert yourself in natural openings. Sounds like your daughter has some of the signs of what we call “peer orientation”: disrespect, doesn’t want to hear you, etc. Have you read our book? In the book, we guide mamas in being the primary orientation for their daughters which naturally brings out the best in them. I am thinking that the basic framework of Mothering & Daughtering could really help you right now. At Mothering & Daughtering, we believe it is more a relational issue than a behavioral issue. The Mothering Course, Preteen edition would be a great help to you in learning how to set boundaries when your daughter is not listening and being disrespectful. Keep us posted!
What really hit home for me Sil is that boundaries don’t need to be imposed in a stern way – they need to be enforced in a loving way. My daughter often says that I am trying to control her and punish her – I’m not, but now I think maybe I have been coming across this way.! I also LOVE the not “sharing my parenting agenda” that Deb talked about. I always try to explain why, so she will understand, but this can lead to arguments. Now I will loving lead – or at least try my hardest! Thank you.
Fantastic Rebecca! What a revelation for any mama to realize as she is setting/negotiating tech boundaries with her kid that even then (maybe especially then) can be a time for connecting/strengthening the bond. You are so welcome!